About these Praise ‘Gawd’ Hair Glo Young Men…
Greetings Young Man-the word Man herein is used very loosely. First, could you wipe that can of grease from your your hair!
Second, it’s ‘Praise God’ and not ‘Praise Gaaaaaaaaaah’, it’s ‘Praise Jesus’ and not ‘Praise Jessass’
Third, what on earth is that smell? If you thought it made you smell nice-you have never been wrong.
Now, I received your text alright;
“I have been seeing you in church the spirit has led me to you, the spirit has said you are my wife,you must not refuse the spirit for wives must submit themselves wholly to their husbands,you are mine, I love you, do not refuse,god has spoken”
Young Man, I will refrain from summarily dismissing you as coward hiding under the cover of church to bully young girls by invoking the spirit. I will temporarily and humble so, conduct brief for the holy spirit and submit as thus; You are lazy and conniving. For your sake allow me to School your pathetic silk and tight pants wearing behind.
If you fancy me, I want you to walk up to me and tell me to my face, do not send me bible versus, do not send me you tube links to go watch some preacher talk about marriage and sex, do not send me a delegation from the christian union to mellow my heart before your grand declaration, do not buy me sweets(boy I swear I will harm you if appear on my door with ‘goody goody’) do not buy me those annoying heart shaped handkerchiefs and No I will not accompany you to Friday night Keshas so that we can ‘spend time together’.
‘Walking up to me’ to declare your intentions must not be taken literally. You will not have a discussion about your intentions to own my my breasts and vagina with no set decorum. A woman worth my salt cannot be waylayed at some road or behind some church tank. You will take me out-somewhere nice and clean, with good music which does not include Rose Muhando’s nibebe. No, I will not come to your house, you will not cook lunch and I will not wash utensils as we listen to Muiru.
I want you to inquire of me; who I am, what drives me, What inspires me.I want you to experience me-the way I talk,the way I smile, the way I attack well made chicken and Mukimo ( and you mukimo hater,you are next on my hit list braray!) for you can be sure I will be read you like a book-from cover to cover.
It is during that interaction that you will discover just how many things we have in common. For instance the Bible says, A man should be the head of the Home, Amen to that. Let me break it down for you, in the miraculous event that heavens grant you me, I will require you to provide, I will require you to take up your responsibilities, I will not drive-if ever I do- moto gari borrowed from thanksgiving proceeds(Julia Wa Wanjiku I know you feel me on this). I will require you to get a J-O-B! Don’t get me wrong am not against your service to the lord, but oh no!I will be damned If I live off offerings and good will gestures from fellow ‘washirika’, I will not work to feed, clothe and shelter you as you work for the ministry neither will I resign from my job to fulfill your biblical interpretations of a submissive wife.
Taking me out-being with me is not a one off event- consider it a forever affair. Please do not borrow on my accord,do not attempt to impress me with pleasantries you cannot afford, It will be disappointing bordering dangerously on disgusting. I can walk or ride Boda Boda so lest your friends Cars rest.
For your Information, when you take me out to a place somewhere clean and nice that is not the church compound I will be dressed well,hell I will be dressed to kill. This means you may see breasts and legs with slight chances of thighs, so if you think woman is devils reincarnate I suggest you start praying and fasting.
Am not yours until the cows come home!
Listen I will not become your wife simply because you dreamt about me and woke up with a poking erection that you now blame on the voice of the spirit. I will demand that you Marshall up your clan to face my clan. I will require you to come and count all my education receipts and pay up accordingly and no I will not give you money to come and pay for me, kai uri na ngoma? . I will require that you present yourself to my mother and convince her of your worth-if any. Do not send your senior pastor to come and remind my uncles of the demonic implications of paying pride price, I am not for free. Granted that you will never-in your entire life- afford me, I will require you to prove your effort and hopefully gain an ounce of respect from my people.
I demand my space
Lest you start getting your head in the sky May I remind you of the Hypothetical nature of this Discussion.
You have dragged me to the aisle,you have won.
I will not live in your mother’s house. I will not live in the tiny shackle located in the church Compound. I will not in Bishops House to assist in serving tea ,applying hair gel while awaiting for the descend of the spirit.
I want space. My Space. While there I will listen and you will be heard. I too will speak, I must be heard. I will host but not everyday and not after eight in the evening. I will wear Kitenge, Kitenge will not wear me! My Dreadlocks remain!
Lastly I will require toe curling experiences in bed, with the lights on and No the missionaries left with all their missionary positions. I may scream and call on many gods, I may swing on a pole and wear strings- that my greasy man, is not demonic,donge?
Praise Gaaaaaaah Young Man!
James Munyeria Photography