Friend Zone Diaries Part 1- Disc ‘A’
If you have been with a Man for more than an year, you are still roaming His house like a roach looking for a perfect breeding spot, cooking and cleaning like you bought the damn pots, planting flowers and shit, Eating his food daily, Him eating you daily… girl that mess right there, has a name, Friend zone! and don’t get me started with your excuses, so you are engaged, when is He planning on letting you sashay down the aisle to marital bliss? and No! it is not an excuse either, that you are waiting for Him to raise enough money to take to your parents as dowry, and yet He just bought Himself a Subaru- loan or no loan. You have been humping for one year and His mother still thinks you are His House Keeper, and His dad refers to you as that girl with the bad weave who sings in church, You in the zone! deeper than how deep can you go! so how do you know you are in the friend zone?
What does He call you?
These Ninjas are territorial like your male cat that pisses on all the trees in your hood just to proclaim ownership, well men too piss at what they own, or what they want to own-not in the literal sense though, although there are exceptions. A man will refer to you as how He feels about you. If you have a Ninja who readily refers to you as His Girlfriend even though you have His Metal on your finger, That ninja is not right. He keeps you for three things; To please Himself, To Please His Mama, and to brag to His Friends. He keeps around to ensure that He owns His Very Own hole to plant his sperm- if need be. You Know Him, He goes running his finger around the house to point out a spot you missed while cleaning, insisting on a particular order in his House, Like you are His Wife and you are not! That Ninja is sly, always reminding you just how much He loves you and that is why He gave you the ring, like you cannot buy your own ring. During Christmas Holiday He will take you anywhere else-everywhere else- but not to His Village to meet his people, He is also reluctant to accompany you to our village,girl which man does not run back to the village to at least brag about his achievements? I see you packing for Mombasa naively happy, its a shame,Really it is.
Then we have these Men who will never complete sentences while conversing with you on matters love. You have a ninja who Texts you ‘I Lv u’ or ‘u knw I cre’ or I mis u hon’… and this Ninja existed before the ‘xaxa’ generation defiled English! I call him the casual Ninja, you and him are just casual buddies who may or may not been dating. if you are going to text your declarations to me, and you want me to believe you, to feel you, I expected you to woo me in Complete Sentences. Hey! if you are His Home Girl, His Ride or Die Chick, a member of his ‘whatever goes’ crew, if He still ‘ngotas’ whenever you greet just like he does to all his thirteen friends, am afraid to inform you, you are a boy, you are part of the ‘Mtu Nguyas’ fraternity and He may expect you to -sooner or later- Piss while standing!
When does He call you?
You got a man calling you at 3am, telling you He misses you, He loves you, He wishes he was with you at that time, He will make it up to you, and you go into this romantic frenzy…stop it. If He wanted to be with you at 3am, He would have been with you! what is doing in a some club with his friends at 3am, dealing in the stocks? I bet He calls you because He has done something really stupid like Sticking his stick in some other woman’s puddle, or He is about to stick His stick in some other woman’s Puddle. I may be wrong, but if you wake up in the morning and find him standing at your doorstep, with flowers and shinny earrings, or if you live in lower Karen and He shows up with Vegetables and shoes you have always wanted-am right! If He calls you one Month to Christmas Holiday’s requesting you to meet His mama back in the village, and this Ninja last called you at last New year eve,He simply wants you to help steer clear His whole extended Family. You show up to his village with your Kitenge dress looking like a virgin, No one why ask this Ninja why He is not married yet!
There is this 29 year old boy who will get in touch with you when He is an emotional crisis. This boy is in the process of self realization. He is in a Hurry to achieve, to fit in, to be like His Father. He is with you because He thinks you are part of His Plans, with Him everything seems fine-He has His Job, Fine Pressed Shirts, Flat Screen TV, A zuku Decoder and A red Carpet, this Ninja is dangerous! Girl Whatever you do, do it with your head, not your heart for the day that man loads one hundred Percent and His Epiphany informs Him that you were not ‘the one’ that guy will Drop you like you were never Hot. Three Months Later He Will send you a glitzy wedding Invitation- To His Wedding- With Another Girl- Whom He had always admired in church!
Then there is the Rabbit,this guy is always on a humping mode,for Him anytime is Humping Time. Girl that Ninja is a father Abraham Wannabe, He only wants to bless you with His Seed only. You will raise that ‘seed’ alone but if you scroll down his Facebook Profile, The Guy has pictures of your child plastered on His Time line with the Hash Tag ‘Proud father’ .This Ninja Has potential to ruin your life. If He ever calls you in Hushed tones, always in a hurry to end his Calls, He sends a dozen smileys and is always requesting you to send Him Pictures of your ‘Nyonyos’ and ‘mathuthas’, That Ninja is a sick married man who wants you to paint His Wet Dreams, send Him A link to the King James Bible.
oh! about this young man who tells you that He had a dream about you and Him Getting Married, Please Buy Him Vaseline and swiftly move on-Without Him.
Lastly, There is this Man, He was your seat mate in Primary school, He wrote you letters in High School that you never Bothered to reply, To went to campus together and you Never gave Him the Light of Day, He was the ugly nerd back then. Recently you have met and surprisingly He has cleaned up really nicely, you Like Him now and according to Him He has always liked you. He Treats you like a queen. He makes you wonder why you did not like Him Back then. Girl, DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT, KEMBOI YOURSELF AWAY FROM THAT NINJA! With him, it is not even about Friend zone, its more of Revenge zone. That Man will make you pay for all the emotions He wasted on you back In Ngangarithi Primary school, He will keep around as Prey, messing with your mind, He may even make you the mother of children, But He will always make you remember, This guy does not forgive, He turns ‘kuku’ ‘Nyugis’ ‘Boiro’ every second.
Surely you do not expect me to explain about the Ninja who Insists “Nitaingiza Kichwa tu…”
You have Been Warned.
James Munyeria Photography