I had an assisted epiphany last evening. There I was, alone in the house, watching Baite Television- Don’t Judge me- Sipping on some liquids which may or may not have been laced with substantial amounts of Barley, Scrolling down my Whats app Threads when it Hit me, I too have been The Victim. The one on the receiving end of Friend zone ploys.
Now, as a female of worth – Beauty and Brains- I have had my fair share of Friend zone Experiences. I have a box- A big box- Full of melting possessed souls, possessed by me and my enchanting beauty and booty. Speaking of Butts, I have a missive to One Kim Kardashian;
Dear Yeezus Wife,
I know you did not just flaunt your pimples for global admiration, I know you didn’t! Anyway -wooosay- I will have you Know, what you have dangling on your lower back, is nothing but more than the result end of some horny,over ambitious teenager who owns a porn collection, vaseline, an ever slimy picture of you and has recently discovered the use of Thirty Days Free Trial Photoshop. If you want to see Real ‘Thutha’ , Take a plane out to Africa, Visit Kenya, take a road trip to Kisumu, you will find Judith Khaemba with her Land Mark Behind, Kakamega County is drafting a bill to declare her Behind a Natural Resource!
Back to My Box. Every Female out there has a friend zone box or bag depending on one’s classification of the friend zone subject Matter. Mfano Katika sentensi, You have this annoying guy who thinks He owns the world, He is a self centered bastard with no manners BUT He has a Car, in a such a scenario you want to gently shove Him in the shallow end of the Friend Zone Box or Bag, why? you will need him on a rainy day-Literally.
Another Example, you have this handsome guy with a ripped cage and a melting smile BUT he is thicker than your mama’s baking dough, In such a scenario you want to shove him to the far end of your friend zone ‘storage facility’ to avoid him breeding ideas of ‘you and him’ However you will give him air once in a while for He comes in Handy when you have to attend your Friend’s wedding in the village and you have no date. This guy is tricky though, He has potential to make you lose your mind, with him you just might mess around and find yourself weaning his babies,Make sure to zone him back in as soon as possible,User discretion is Highly Advised!
Before I decipher my epiphany let me just point this out, It’s Hard. It’s Hard work to successfully Shepherd a man you do not like to your friend zone box. Do you have any Idea the levels of patience one has to evoke to be rid of a man one do not like, the smiles you have to fake, religion you have to throw to his face, oh but we have a winner, the Blonde Card.
The male species is predominant in nature. He likes to be in control. To be on top. To know everything. He likes His Women Beautiful enough to brag to his friends, Independent enough to buy chips only, Learned enough to understand the 8-4-4 basics, Religious enough to understand submission in its entirety, Conservative enough to take to his mother and to plug in without questions…You find yourself in such a scenario, don’t even fight it girl, don’t even flaunt your intellect, simply transform yourself to a a modern day Blonde. Smile, Look Pretty in short floral dresses with an entertaining cleavage, watch KISS TV all day, Play with your weave and pretend you cannot read big words.
With this strategy- which has been proven to work world over- you will achieve several things. You will have your very own plumber-well He can unclog the kitchen’s drainage system or He can unclog your ‘own’ drainage system- whichever way, You have a plumber. You have your very own errand boy- He thinks that you cannot possibly understand serious matters like finances, mortgages, shopping for electrical appliances, payment of land rates-So he does it for you, but wait, how comes it never hits these men that if you are capable of buying land on your own, you are capable of paying your own land rates? or if you own a car, you are capable of serving it by yourself?
let us take a moment to ponder…
A moment later, I still do not get it fully, but I highly suspect there could be an involvement of ‘misplaced Priority’ well my boys will investigate once they are done exchanging fire. Most importantly though, by playing blonde you successfully ensure that your back up plan is on lock down. Am no Steve Harvey, hence am not about to type away Fundamental Secrets passed down from generations by our grandmothers, I will not explain what a back up Plan is, However for the sake of National Peace and Security, I will point out one ingredient of the ‘Back Up Plan’ . It Involves you Mr. That’s it.
While Typing this, My Epiphany has re-loaded, so I am going to Play Joseph- Chill out in a loin clothe and attempt Interpret the new information then I will get back to you.
Patrick Ambani Photography