waruguru wa kiai


I hate Christmas!

Don’t  get me wrong, I having against our savior, I have everything against My Clan.The last time I went to the village my grandmother attempted to marry me off without my consent to One Karuga from Kamakwa. The very same Karuga who refused to buy me Chicken at Tumu’s In Giakanja, Tumu’s where you eat chicken while crying because of the sweetness of the chicken.  I too wanted to cry at Tumu’s just like Muhoho Gichimu did when He tore apart one full chicken and a mountain of Ngima,later drowning himself in one jug of soup without any outside Help, I too wanted to travel to Giakanja to witness with one own mouth Tumu’s Chicken! My people, Karuga the man that my grandmother wanted me to marry, instead of honoring my wishes, decided to take me out on a‘date’ to a much better place. I remember rushing home excited, at the thought of going out on a date with him. The following day, you should have seen me swing to Kamukunji in search of the perfect dress and High Heels, I was going to be the most beautiful girl in all of Rware. I bought a red dress at marto’s place after He had convinced me that I looked like a model worth being introduced to any mother-in- law in the County. The shoes I bought at Abdi’s He who had promised to Marry my sister once She completed Class Eight In Nyamachaki Primary School. Abdi had met His Future wife when she was In Class Four and He had been bewitched by Her White Colour. He had even gone ahead to promise my mother six camels as bride price,he even convinced  my mother that there was no need of My Sister attempting to fight with secondary education for if She was Married to  Abdi He would ensure that She became the First Sub- Chief in Garissa. My People, one week after the completion of K.C.P.E Abdi came home to pick His Bride, No One knows what Happened when Abdi requested to talk to My Sister under the Avocado Tree for Minutes Later, Abdi would emerge from the compound running like he was on fire,away from our Home. Years Later, we are yet to receive any camels, I do not blame Abdi, I blame Head Master ‘Risha Ndirangu’ for convincing my sister on the importance of going to Secondary School, isoraitthe gods are watching!

Saturday Morning was ‘date’ day. Before The Aberdare Ranges yawned I was awake, My Feet soaked in cold water. I spent two hours cleaning my ‘miatuka’ before heading out to meet Njuguna. You will find Njuguna Behind ‘Muiganania’ Bank fighting with Women’s Hair. On that day, He promised to make me look like a Queen, so much so, that Karuga would drop dead at my sight, I believed Him. He would spend hours washing and curling my hair stopping momentarily to tell us or dramatize a story. Njuguna is the unmatched Political Analyst, His Prowess to predict political matters has seen many leaders travel from far and wide to seek his words of Advice, if you doubt me, look for One Karari Muchemi He who paid thirty shillings to my mother as deposit for my bride price years ago but has never attempted to clear the balance, but that is for onother day.

I really felt like a queen hour’s later, in my red dress and flowing hair. I even shaved and painted back my eye brows. You should have seen me walk in Abdi’s shoes, I almost ploughed my mother’s compound with my Heels. Let me wait for Karuga, Let me wait for Karuga, Let me wait. He came late. Did He even bring me flowers as an apology? No He did not! However I forgave him because He came with Sammy, He who broke all the male Hearts in Nyeri by snatching away one of the coveted Natural ‘black beauties’. He was our driver for the day. I could not wait to get to White Rhino or Green Hills, or Outspan, I, Kiai’s daughter was finally going to eat with forks and knives and drink imported drinks! I thought it was a joke when Sammy Packed outside 619 Hotel and opened the door inviting me out of the car, I glanced back at Karuga to express my shock but He was already out of the car, very busy greeting the Ihururu bound Drivers at the Nyena Sacco Offices like He was councilor Mbogo, He who is yet to pour Gravelon Ngangarithi Roads like He Promised. There I was standing outside 619 looking like Miss Nyeri County, as if to celebrate my arrival, the rains fell. Karuga,without any shred of Decorum, grabbed my hand and led me to one of the Benches inside the Hotel. My People, and the way I had planned on making a grand entrance, swinging this way and that way, complete with John Njagi’s korwo nindakui tene Lucy as my theme song.

“Waiter,bring hot tea and mandazi

That is what Karuga Ordered, had He known that I had not eaten for two days in preparation for ‘the Date’ He would have ordered for Chips and Chicken. In my heart called Karuga three times, Karuga, Karuga, Karuga how many times have I called you! All along He was just grinning and smiling with his friends like I wasn’t even present, He did not even notice my shinny Hair, or my New Dress, He did not even comment about my Lip stick stolen from My Sister’s Bag. He just drowned tea and tore mandazi’s with a vengeance. It was only after Kiboi touched my hair that Karuga Reacted. Karuga got up and suspended Kiboi in the hair with one hand and reminded him that I was His ‘people’ and that Kiboi should find His Own ‘People’. The old men in the Hotel nodded in approval, Kiboi surrendered to the advice and bought me more tea and two mandazi as a sign of respect. Despite being angry at Karuga and completely refusing to look at him the whole time, I must admit 619 is something else. The Patrons engage in political discussions that would drown Mutahi Ngunyi in the Pits of Shame. I cannot remember how it happened but hours later I would find myself in a heated argument with one Kabaiko on whether or not ‘Small and good’ had travelled with Son of Jomo to the Hague. I would then proceed to declare myself the new ICC Judge explaining word by word what Queens Counsel meant when He said that the line had been be drawn. I would even convince everyone at 619 that I was Bensouda’s classmates in the University and that she was always number last in class.

Things got so heated that we almost fought over coffee prices in the County, it was ‘General’ who calmed us down by reminding us that His blood was still rushing as it Did During Mau Mau and that He still Had potential to rub us off the face of the earth as He did to ‘Nyakeru’ It was then That I noticed Karuga, seated Comfortably with Kabaiko’s sister, holding Hands, Of course my salt rose but I quickly remembered the Kamau Incident and I had to control myself. Who can forget the Kamau’s Incident at To-go-is-to-see where I swung on his neck and bite his Eye because of Cheating me with the O.C.S’s Daughter,after that incident I was summoned by the chief, village elders, the police, even the  County Government and ordered never to set my eyes on Kamau ever again, I still report to the Chief’s Camp every Monday for good conduct evaluation even the Governor Graveled the Road from my village to the ‘Mutaratara’ Church to ensure that I go to church every Sunday. I did nothing much to Karuga, can you call pouring hot tea on his face and slapping his cheeks with Hot Mandazi Much?

I don’t know what my Grandmother has in store for me this Christmas Holiday, but she recently called me, warning me of Dire Consequences like swelling of legs if I failed to visit her. She also reminded me that she has organized with ‘The fire of St. Joseph special prayers for me, to ensure that I got ‘Peoples’. Reliable sources inform me that she has also invited Karari Muchemi for the same prayer meeting, the very same Karari who has only paid thirty shillings for my bride price.




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