Patrick Ambani Photography 12

M.O.U

My Elders I have heard you. You have stated your case and I have listened. You have reminded me that Karuga- the man who threatens to marry me now and then- is a son of Gikuyu and that I should never forget that He is not my sister. You have pleaded me to forgive the young man and give him another chance. You have even vowed to escort me to ‘Tumus’ to eat as much chicken as I want-alone, without any outside help. Can a child ever disobey the voice of reason especially when it is delivered by a wise man such as One Kahiga- he who is always threatening the Government with Teacher’s Strikes using big English words- I have never disobeyed my elders, I will not start now!

My elders, before you Judge me harshly, I beg you to listen to my side of the story for what has your son Karuga not shown me. Your son has threatened with marriage for years now. He has on several occasions threatened to embarrass my clan ‘mbari ya hiti’ from Muhito with many plates of rice and cabbage, escorted with tea whose milk has been thrown all the way from Wajir. My Elders Do you know how many times I have booked PCEA Nyamachaki church just so that I can walk down the aisle dressed in a million Mosquito nets dressed in China escorted by my Mukurweini Clan. Do you know how many cow pens my Mother has constructed in anticipation Of Karuga’s arrival? Has he told you the truth that I am not allergic to any wedding ring? My Elders, remind your son that it was Him who ordered me to pack all my belongings at night so that we could elope to Kamakwa, only for him to appear the following day claiming that he went to watch a foot ball match and forgot all about me.

I have had it with his Antics. Am I not beautiful enough? May I remind you that when ngai created me on the Seventh Day High on Gathuthi Tea he paced round the Mountain-seven times- anxious, pausing momentarily to rest under the ‘muthithida’ tree biting off the head of his ‘HB’ pencil. No one dared to bother his raging thoughts, the last time Lucifer startled him he was evicted from heaven, forever! So there he was, lost in thought drawing fine shapes on the soil curves here- curves there, then suddenly he reached for his bag and summoned ‘Michaeli’. For three hours they haggled over soil prices in Mukurweini returning later with five sacks of clay purchased from kamwana’s Clay works. With John De’ Matthew playing on Matuini FM he went to work plastering and sculpting, big bright eyes to illuminate the world, child bearing hips to carry a generation and my ‘cabbage carrot cabbage carrot’ had to Inspire poetry, songs and dance. Haven’t you heard Joseph Kamaru sing about me; “Njukite giuragiriria ii kwa nyina wa Ruguru, kairitu Kairu gacheke ii na njuiri ta ya forana…ii atuike wakwa mburi”

And when he was done he took several steps back and summoned David who had a Masters degree in pointing out fine women He walked into ngai’s work shop and yelled “ngai ngai ngai you have finished me” before proceeding to write a million poems about the creature he had seen. It was then that Ngai decided -reluctantly so- to set the fine creature free to save Gikuyu who was busy idling in some forest stinking like a hyena, talking to trees and wild berries Ngai spit on her and named her Ruguru- She who comes from the west, you should have seen me land in ‘Mukurwe wa nyagathanga’ looking like a fine piece of Heaven, as I do now.

May I also remind you that ngai would not have allowed me to just anywhere on earth, he had to create Nyeri for me. It was afternoon, the sun had come for lunch, and was sitted next to ngai who was Enjoying Githeri boiled at Munyaka Hotel. The sun started disturbing him by borrowing his plate of Githeri and it really made ngai annoyed and that is when he decided to have onother home-away from home. He rose up and made his way to the mugumo tree, where creativity infested his mind. You should have seen him mould Nyewasco water, chains of cascading ranges, beautiful hills to reach the stars and fresh air. Then suddenly as he was mixing the soil to plaster the woman, Michael his interior security boss Alias ‘Lenku’ came with the bad news, Lucifer had quit choir practice and that he had sold the instruments to an earthly scrap metal dealer, ngai was so furious that he shed a bitter tear which fell in the mixture, it was not until he had finished creating that he noticed his tear effect, the woman pounced on Gikuyu and beat the mud out of him, he was about to intervene when michael told him, “leave her, mwanaume ni kuvumilia”, and that was how Nyeri was created.

So you see my Elders you cannot take me lightly ‘like that like that’. Tell your son that if he truly loves me as he claims, he will do as I demand.

He must Travel to Mukurweini to meet my clan in a convoy of Sixty 2NK Sacco ‘Box’ Matatus, two lorries full of cows, two lorries full of goats and one pick up full of chicken. There should be no one left in Kamakwa. He should be flanked by all his clan members including the local TNA Chairman, His Kamakwa Member of the County Assembly, Chairman of the local Security, Chairman 2NK Sacco, Chairman Mukurweini Milk, and His Area Chief. In addition, He must be escorted by at least five Nyeri Artists including Njamba ya Ruringu and the young man who owns that dog which wears shorts and shoes.

At this Juncture let me warn you that my clan has eaten books and that it will be wise for him to procure the services of an English Infested Spokesperson. Whomever He picks, beg him against insisting on Kamau as His Spokesperson. Do you know how many accidents Kamau – this Doctor from ‘muhindi’s’ Hospital has caused. Do you know that the Assembly voted unanimously to ban him from using the Nairobi- Nyeri and the Nyeri- Nanyuki Highway because of reckless endangerment. Is he not the cause of the food shortage in Nyeri County, apparently all the women have refused to farm until they see him face to face? Did you not hear of the riot that was witnessed in Karatina when rumor snaked round town that he had been spotted. Have the women in Gakawa not threatened to defect to Laikipia County if He does appear in the area to greet them. Did you not hear your daughter Julia Wa Wanjiku vow that she will vote ten times –In one day- for him if He ever vied for any position in Nyeri? You have been warned!

The convoy should travel at a speed of ten kilometers per hour, while hooting endlessly until arrival. The women must be prepared to sing two albums-each with fourteen tracks- while shaking a truck load of Coca Cola Products before the gates are opened. Do not worry about the meat; we are not called the Clan of Hyenas for nothing. Do not think that you are coming to pay my dowry. You are traveling to confess the sins of your son before my clan. My elders it is then that I will consider whether to forgive him or not!

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Dear Field Marshall Dedan Kimathi Wachiuri,

We walk tall and Proud, Our feet firmly on the soil you fought for. There is nothing that we cannot do; no one has ever dared us anyway. Your blood flows in our veins- strong and true. Sir, we have been tempted, life has handed to us worse punishments, and we have crawled the streets of Rware beat and worn out, BUT we have never been defeated. We have never known defeat.

We roam free –day and night, we cry only when we want, we laugh until we fall. All we have is ours. We have never forgotten your struggle for our freedom. We will never forget. Thank you Sir.
Yours Sincerely, Ciana cia Madaraka.

Mtu ya picha: Patrick Ambani

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