waruguru wa kiai

Of campus tales and red heart shaped ‘thuruari’

*The story is forktale-stories of giants(cia marimu) and any relation to anyone(espcially me)is purely coincidental* Ahem!!

The story is told of a young female law student who was as humble as the the proverbial humble pie. She lived a non sparkly life, loved reading, eating fried cassavas and watching pirated Ghanian movies all night long. She was a strange breed who loved hanging out with rasta coloured people, listening to roots and culture, though she never even once burned any herb-holy or otherwise, people of bad intent had attempted to label her as a lover of frothy Nile products but such rumors were never proven, ever.

One day, driven by the need to look just as fly as the other campus students, she embarked on an ambitious self improvement program that would see her shave her eyebrows to pave way for NIKE shaped drawings where eyebrows once sprouted. Further, she bought all shades of paints for her lips and nails and concluded by gifting herself with a pair of white hip suffocating pants and three -black, red, pink-heart shaped underwear to cover her African rear.

The story is told of how the narrators of this story struggled not to explode with bouts of laughter, to the surprise of many who were listening and trying to zero in on the funny aspect of the story.

Aya, the lady waited for Monday to arrive, and when it did, she ironed her new white pants and fought for several minutes to hoist them up to the waist. She finally managed to chain the button to the button hole after promising herself not to exhale for the rest of the day. And off she went to fight illiteracy. She would spend her day prowling in and out of the lecture hall, busy doing nothing. How would they know she was feeling fine in her new white pants. She bought several pens at the school shops-a good place to exhibit what your mama gave her to the awe of the boys and the envy of all the girls, found herself at the accounts office idling with the rest despite having no fees balance, she drowned several sodas at the cafeteria as she sat, legs crossed for all to behold her brand new pants.

Things were good, she felt like the man, like the man, like the man!

It was not until evening, when she walking towards the school gate, amidst a crowd of tired students that one of her male friends approached her, smiled cheekily as he brushed past her and said

“Leo umesema ni mambo ya mapenzi”

This guy was an idiot, white is a symbol of peace and not love! She was not going to let him spoil her white coloured day. With her head held high, hips landing this way and that way, she sashayed past him, like he did not existed. He was not going to let her be

“Eh madam, leo naona umetuamulia ni maneno ya mapenzi, eh heart red heart shapes nini nini…”

She was going to turn around, weave first then followed by the ‘oh hell no’ finger, then it hit her, harder than a guarana induced hangover,

“Did he just mention heart shapes, red heart shapes, RED HEART SHAPES!!

She had worn, on that beautiful turned unfortunate day,her brand new bright red heart shaped underwear. The said underwear was sticking out against her white pants, like a sore thump. Every shape could be seen, even the bigger one plastered at the very centre of her rear.

Her whole world suddenly turned black and she muttered a line from her award winning primary school composition “I wish the world would open up and swallow me alive”

She turned back to face him…him! Determined to save face, only to find her crush staring at her red hearts. He was not the only one. Everyone was on her rear end, including the salivating gate-man who would not have missed a chance to poke at every hole, including heart shaped ones.

The story continued to recount of how she nervously plastered her school bag on her behind in desperate attempts to cover her protruding hearts. She crept lower than beenie man in his creeping videos and jumped on a moving boda boda, she did not look back, but she did not forget the laughter she left behind.

Many years have since lapsed since the unfortunate incidence breeding forth different episodes of what might have transpired next, some even going as far as to insinuate that she threw herself in some river due to shame. However, one version hits close to the truth, it is said that she went home and stared at the mirror for several minutes, removed her white pants and fell on the bed like a log. She later ordered for greasy fries, a slice of avocado and several pieces of meat stuck on a tree before proceeding to watch again her favourite Ghanian Movie-The president’s daughter. She also took a sabbatical from school, preferring to visit rivers and small towns for weeks, while at it she prayed for the spirit of amnesia to attack all who had seen her and her red heart shaped underwear on that embarassing day. Atleast that is what I heard.

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